Couples' Psychotherapy
When the bond between partners becomes deep over time, they become particularly vulnerable to each other. Because of this intense vulnerability, partners tend to evoke feelings in each other that go back to a time when they were the most defenseless, namely to their childhood.
We tend to bring to our intimate relationships all the expectations of ourselves and loved ones that we developed as children. If those around us were nurturing, we tend to approach our partners with trust. If our caregivers were belittling, we tend to hear our partners as overly critical. In this situation, one — or both partners can feel unheard and misunderstood. When this happens, people can go into a defence-attack mode. This prolonged dynamic can lead to loss of hope around the relationship, and to bitterness and resentment. Couples' Therapy can be helpful in this case.
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How does Couples' Therapy work?
In Couples' Therapy, we establish a safe space to allow for cooling of the emotional temperature and then for the shift from an attack and defence mode, to one of active listening, deep mutual empathy and emotional connection. In this calmer and more grounded space, partners can discuss their conflicts or issues and hear each other in a fresh way. Resolving conflict directly while in the presence of the therapist creates emotional safety and the opportunity to set new intentions and expectations of the relationship. These goals continue beyond therapy sessions through the practices of active listening skills, communication and conflict resolution strategies, and most importantly building attachment through daily intimacy and connection.
Is Couples' Therapy the correct choice for us right now?
Many couples at an impasse of conflict experience a combative stance or fight/ flight response indicative of distress and pain. Over time this can erode trust and cause a shift in the power dynamic of the relationship. However, if there is enough flexibility and openness to be able to shift over to a new framework for the relationship, couples can rebuild something stronger and become more resilient. Couples therapy creates a space to shape this framework and activate the sense of commitment and love that brought two people together in the first place. Other couples may find that their deep-seated personal issues prevent them from being able to make these needed shifts — and they may decide that they need to do individual work first. Alternatively, some couples grow too far apart in different directions and may decide to end the relationship. Couples’ therapy can provide a space to work out the details of separation, co-parenting, building friendship and de-escalating conflict.
What to expect in Couples' Therapy?
Couples' therapy starts with an assessment phase, which usually takes four sessions. This consists of an initial 90-minute long couples' session, followed by two individual 60-minute sessions, one for each partner. Finally, there is a 60-minute joint couples' session, which includes feedback and decision-making about the next steps.